The Baby Trap

Thirties baby! and the tock of the biological clock is ticking. Some women have a built in pressure within themselves fed by society that our soul purpose on this planet is to reproduce beautiful babies. As a result part of ability to perform in this area is connected to our self worth, self esteem and self belief.

If it is the reason we have been put on this earth, and yet at almost 36yr I still haven't lined my ducks up enough to be in position to have children, then what kind of a women am I ? How bonkers is it of me to think that I am responsible enough to have children, when I struggle to have my shit together enough to straighten my hair for this weeks date!?

Its not just the emotional trap of our self deprecating self talk or the pressure put on us by society. I mean there are some pretty legit scientific reasons and facts that pile on the pressure and massive urgency. The fertility stats from conception to healthy happy babies get crazy from as early as thirty to over 35 depending on which paper you read. Emotional pressure can be dealt with, or at least put to the back of your head, but science ? That's come real shit!

Over the years we convinced ourselves of an imaginary time line that actually has no place in 2017. Having a baby doesn't have to follow society's natural order. When we finally understand that the traditional way doesn't have to be our way, we can finally start to relieve the pressure of guilt and self loathing and the noise in the back of our head becomes to be a little quieter.

Traditionally you have to find the guy, and we all know how long that can take!

let's just say for arguments sake that finding the guy takes me 6 months.

Then you have to date and fall in love and do couple shit. So let's say that takes us to 1 year.

Then you get to the point when you are going to exchange rings and get married and then comes the honey moon so give it another year.

Then you buy the new little fixer upper house that is going to drain you emotionally and financially and suck up all the extra time you have in order to create the family. In between all that we are modern independent women so we need to be building our career and lifestyle.

Finally we get to the right time, which incidentally nobody ever really finds and you decide that you want to try for children and conceive. Now even if I immediately conceived first try (probably not going to happen!) it's going to take 9 months to cook the baby! Hypothetically on my hypothetical timeline its going to take just over 5yrs!!!

Which if I begin today already dates me at over 41yrs old! and just to add insult to injury, 40yrs is where that graph of science on the fertility of doom becomes bone chilling and pretty scary.

You know it doesn't have to be that way! and when I am coaching women I'm very good at giving advice from the front of my head. Although in reality believe me I can barely hear myself think over the tick tock of the biological clock.

Oh and just as a side note, as a plus size women the science graphs get a little more hair raising! so there is that! Also if I did get pregnant would anyone actually notice? or would I just look like me but with a firmer tummy ? Do fat people actually show ?

I struggle to find plus size clothes as it is, let alone maternity wear! Is there such thing as plus size maternity wear, because I've never seen any!

anyway back to the matter in hand....

My answer as always in coaching is to take a deep breath. Come back to the calm less noisy part of your brain that's rational and go with me!

The bottom line is if you want children, and you cant have them, you have to understand that children don't come from you, they come through you.

There are so many children in the world that can be influenced and loved by you, but they don't have to come out of you. A mother is so much more than a blood line. She's a life line, and sadly some children don't have that gift.

How truly special would it be to be that person for all the children out there? I know for some of us it just wouldn't be the same as the ideal 2.4 children happy marriage and Range Rover, But as scary as those science folks are with their graphs and the fertility charts of doom there are other options.

Donors, IVF, adoption, surrogacy and as for your bullshit timeline a few hours on the internet and some cash money will wined you up with a sperm donation in days like match.com for baby daddys, anonymous or not, with a criteria list as long as your right arm.

Ladies believe me there is no rush, there is no expectation other than those you impose on yourself. All the pressure is likely to do is catch you in that baby trap, where you start to settle for the wrong man, you take shortcuts for your own personal goals, you sacrifice the present in the promise of an uncertain future.

Surely these shortcuts don't lead to the perfect situation in which you can focus on nurturing and shaping the minds of a little person.

So together we need to put on our power shoes, stop the clock and do you!

You are not worth what society says you are worth.

You are not only the sum total of your ovaries

You are so much more! You are so much more than those scary graphs! It's time to say you are ! It's time to trust me, as a women who grew up under the protective wing of a mummy in her power shoes! You wouldn't want to be any other kind of mother than one in her power shoes! You got this momma! Stay focused. Stay complete in your goals and never settle. That is how you are the most perfect version of you and the most perfect version of a mother that you can possibly be

Stay Fabulous!