My Deepest Fear, Isn't What I Think It Is..

A few months ago I wrote a blog about the darker times I have been through in the years leading up to the passing of my grandmother. On a day to day basis I have all of my emotions and fears based in those times repackaged and back together again in some kind of manageable order, and they very rarely surface or are triggered.

This week though marked the anniversary of my grandmothers passing, and although they say time is a healer, its not. That's just something people say to give you the false illusion of hope. Things are never same when you lose a loved one. Once someone has passed everything changes. There becomes a new normal, and in time you learn to live in your new changed reality, but in honesty things never go back to how they were, how could they?

Today as all days started out in my normal routine. The new reality I now take for granted, but this afternoon I was jolted back to 2012 in a split second. A friends mother was taken sick and both my mother and I bounced into action to take care of business. After so many years of doing it with my Grandmother it was like muscle memory and second nature. organizing logistics around paramedics, child care, medications and hospitals. Clearing hallways and entrances for a gurney, making mental notes of the stats the paramedics are relaying, so that you can gauge signs of recovery or deterioration later down the line.

Life and your perspectives of it change in the blink of an eye, suddenly nothing is important, stuff become stuff, drama, work and busyness becomes insignificant and the red and blue lights flashing through the bedroom blinds leave you with a numb but tingling pit of dread, fear, concern and deja vu.

As a result today, I realize today that I have made my life bother personally and professionally about looking forward into the future, positivity, ambition, goals and dreaming, always forward, never backwards.

It is a leveler to feel those feelings again. Back in 2012 I couldn't have articulated them because they were so consuming an never ending. Many of my close friends family and colleagues know that I have a very random fear of ambulances. I know it is irrational, ambulances and EMT's make you better and help a situation right ? WRONG! not in my mind! Years of grief and concern have conditioned my brain to believe that Ambulances take people away and they never come back. So imagine being in a very stressful situation, already hopped up on adrenaline and anxiety for the well being of a loved one, and in that moment the only people you can trust to help you turn up in a chariot of doom and demand to take your loved one away forever!

Our mind plays tricks on us, and fear is shady as f*ck. Whilst I have an emotional reaction to what is nothing more than a large van with medical supplies in it I am suprisingly ok with mortality and death itself. I have been to therapy I've tried to work through the issues myself and I have lived through the crazy in my own mind for years, but it was only today that I truly understood it.

I am actually terrified of being alone, left and abandoned, as an only child with a grand total of 1 other person in my family to date that is a reality I have to figure out. Perhaps that's why I am obsessed with legacy and leaving an impression on this world when I go. I am certain in plays into my deep desire to have children and create a loving family and secure empire, and without question it is why my bond with my mother is incredibly deep and irreplaceable.

Today I was reminded that every day is a blessing. That my new post gran normal is pretty fantastic, and that life can change in the blink of an eye. Fear is the biggest waste of imagination and can't hold us back if we don't give it power. You see Fear is just hope inside out. Once you understand what you are afraid of, you know what you have to do everyday from a place of hope to battle it. Or maybe like me today understanding the fear allows you to see why you do the things you do and your purpose.

Stay Fabulous - & FEARLESS