Fat Kid Shopping - The Navy Seal!

During the week you'll often find me marching through the shopping malls of Southern California with bags upon bags of garments and accessories for my styling and personal shopping clients. These huge fashion temples with miles of long polished floors are now my second home and playground, but it wasn't always that way. There was a time when those huge structures were a temple of doom for me, and I'm convinced that part of the reason ladies pay me to shop on their behalf now is because for them it still is!

Sadly we live in a world that surrounds and bombards us with a 'beauty standard' that isn't achievable for 90% of us. That is no fault of our own its just genetics and science! Yet constantly we try to measure up to this ever changing ideal in our foolish pursuit of happiness.

When I am shopping i'm constantly looking at what other women are picking up, partly because I am a serial people watcher and borderline creep, and in part I'm fascinated by the 'magpie effect' some garments and the in store product placement has over individuals. This week though I watched two teenagers shopping together, one straight sized and the other plus sized, and I was reminded of how soul destroying and hard it was for me growing up and trying to find clothes that made me feel 'normal' and 'same same' as my straight sized peers.

When I was a teenager I was a bully’s dream. I was taller than all the other children in my class. I was fat, because I've always carried weight, I was ginger, I had freckles and I had braces on my teeth too. I was the living breathing stereotype of any awkward kid and a dream candidate for any bully wanting to poke fun.

Part of my journey to where I am now is because of those moments. I have tried to make other women and young girls feel better about who they are now, and give them a better experience than those I had when I was younger, but back then I had no idea, how those dark days would change me life for the better.

I had to shop in the 'special fat' shops because of my weight, and size. All of my other friends were shopping in the teenagers shops and the teen sections. I was already wearing some straight sized womens clothes, and actually I was wearing plus size womens clothes at the point too.

In England we have a speciality store called Evans, and although they have gone through a drastic transformation now, and their clothes are very fashion forward, back then it was a traumatic shopping experience. There was a huge stigma about shopping in those 'fat stores' more so than there is today and that was compounded by my own insecurity and self loathing. Unfortunately for me Evans was my only option to find something that would fit for everyday and special occasions alike.

Social suicide and the worst thing ever to befall my ass would be for one of the other kids to see me going into one of these fat shops! Even at this early age the fashion industry was imposing its beauty standards onto me. Part of the reason I celebrate size inclusive collections, designers and retailers today is because I know first hand how hard the size segregation is, on all of us but especially the younger generation of girls. (Don't be fooled by the hype that segregation still happens today in some of the largest leading retailers! My clothes are often still pushed into the back of stores, or sandwiched in between 'Home wares' and home furnishings on an upper level with no thought, order or investment into product placement, merchandising and shopping experience.)

Back then I felt different, and not in a good way. Every time I was picked on , laughed at our went shopping in segregation my insecurity was reaffirmed. I wasn’t like everybody else. There must have been something wrong with me because I had to shop in a shop where the other girls didn’t, and there was no hope of me fitting in to clothes or socially. EVER!

I had a plan though, because like it or not I had to have clothes! The only thing worse than being fat, would be being fat and naked at school! In order to get the essentials I was going to have to be a Navy Seal! I became a master at the stealth but effective recon, in, out business of shopping in the fat shops!

There is no exaggeration here when I say that I would hide behind structual pillars within the shopping mall, looking around to see if there was anybody I knew, whilst I did a 300 yard sprint into the shop though the front doors and to the very back of the store so that nobody passing by would see me inside.

First rule in fashion combat and recon, don't leave yourself exposed to the enemy, and never turn your back! This was precisely why I would never shop in the first 100 ft of the store. The open doors and glass frontage was a no go area! Just one glance from another kid walking past and I would be made!

I wanted to be in Topshop and River Island and Miss Sixty and all the shops my peers were shopping in, the funky, trendy stores. Not sifting through racks and racks and shelves and shelves of frumpy middle aged bank cashier uniforms. Trying to find a navy blue knee length skirt that I could wear to school, or a basic white fitted shirt that I could pass as a school standard issue.

I took these missions to an extreme! Taking plastic bags from other 'straight sized shops' and stuffing them full of the disappointing and tear jerking haul from the bad place, in an effort to conceal my dirty secret to anyone who may see me on the street or heading back to the car.

Living life through this lens wears on your soul, and its easy to see why so many of us struggle with our body and self esteem. Seeing that young girl this week grapple at the back of each rack looking hopelessly for a size that would fit her, so that she could "twin" with her BFF was heartbreaking. My hope for her is that she sees through and past these awkward years. That she will realize her beauty is so much more than her ability to wear the same graphic t-shirt as her mate. That society, other women and retailers take the time to understand their responsibility to show her and those like her that her unique qualities, flaws and voice should be heard,celebrated and nurtured, and most importantly i hope she grows up to know without a shadow of a doubt that she is BEAUTIFUL!